Once Upon A Time
by Inuyashagirl2015
Summary: Crackfic! No Dragon for once, sorry! James/Pyramid Head. Slash, yaoi, etc. One Shot.


This is a crack fic I wrote to go in the front of my current notebook just because I desperately want someone to find it and read it and be scarred for life and never be able to look me in they eye again. No Dragon, sorry!

**CrackFicCuzWhyNot**

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time in slashy Silent Hill, there was a man named James Sunderland. Now, James was a bad, bad man, he killed his wife, Mary, then he forgot he did and though she died of cancer and he was sad. Of course, he didn't know he was a bad man, because, as I said, he forgot- Alzheimer's is striking younger and younger after all- So he went to Silent Hill to find his wife, since he didn't remember killing her and he got a letter from her even though she's dead. Cuz, surely it _must _be from her, it's her handwriting almost exactly, and even though the L's… V's, S's, U's…. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX's and Y's are different, well, the Z is perfect and it's been three years, so if her handwriting has changed, that's fine. No way it's that douchebag kid next door who he told his story to seven one time when he was very, very drunk. Obviously he excluded the killing his wife part, since he didn't remember it.

And that's how he ended up in slashy Silent Hill. The town was a nightmare- filled with horrible, hideous monsters that all were far too female for comfort and definitely had a lot of symbolism for the very obvious mental issues of whatever poor sod it was that had done something bad but was still attractive and awesome enough to become the main character in a survival horror game. Clearly, this was not James because 1) He wasn't evil 2) He was blonde and everyone knows that blondes are terrible horror characters and 3) He wasn't in a video game… Though he did sometimes find himself going in the wrong direction for no apparent reason and couldn't seem to ever stop until he hit a dead end… But who was he, attractive, girly blonde man that he was, to question divine guidance?

Yet, in the horrible nightmarish confusion of lying figures, excessive amounts of broken locks and weirdly placed but sometimes convenient puzzles, there was a single source of light to illuminate his darkness…

Pyramid Head.

The gigantic, muscular monster of a man was clearly some sort of demon sent to be his guardian angel in the dark town, to save him from the beasties with one gigantic fused hand while doing unspeakable, delicious things with the other hand… And his gigantic piece of man sausage… And his _tongue_. James got chills just thinking of the vile, disgusting, wonderful things the beast could do with the long, slimy, black appendage. Yes, definitely his tongue…

So, when he heard the _scraaaape-thunk_ sound of Pyramid Head's Great Knife (the weapon, not his penis! Well, his man meat was probably large enough to be a weapon- so, the metal one.. Unless his disco stick was metal too… The thought didn't turn James off nearly as much as he though it should… Or, you know, at all… mmm, metal… and latex…) coming up the stairs towards him, he didn't do what any normal person would have done- throw himself off of the roof- and instead, he merely stood a few feet inform of the door. His heart raced in anticipation as the noise increased until finally, the door oh-so-slowly creaked open to reveal the beautiful hulking form.

The beast of a man stopped upon seeing… or whatever his equivalent was through the gigantic pyramid, James, clearly not expecting his prey to be so easy. James took the opportunity to explain himself.

"Look, Pyramid Head, I just want to tell you something- Something I've been wanting to say for a while. I am completely and irrevocably in love with you. I know we've only known each other for a day-ish, but in that day, you have managed to completely win my di- er, my heart, that is. That time when I was spying on you- I mean, that time I accidently saw you with those two mannequins, I almost died of hurt and jealousy. That was when I realized, as I jerked of quietly in that closet to the thought of you ravishing _me_ against that counter, that I love you. So, please, take me, my darling, ravish _me _this time- preferably against a counter and preferably for at least four hours to show those stupid double cunts who makes a better bitch- But, that's not important, forgive and forget, my love." Pyramid Head stood silent for a moment after James' confession, watching the blonde nervously shift from foot to foot.

James, for his part, jumped several feet in the air when he heard the great knife crash to the ground, but before he could react, he was grabbed and thrown over one burly shoulder. Pyramid Head turned and walked down the stairwell much faster than James had though he could move. Within what seemed like seconds, James found himself being thrown onto one of the somewhat cleaner, semi-soft hospital beds.

"Well, it's not a counter, but we can do that later." James said. PH gave no reply. Instead, he simply reached forward and effortlessly ripped James' shirt open down the middle and impatiently tugged it off along with his jacket. After stopping for a moment to take in the half naked blonde, he reached forward and instead of unbuttoning James's pants like a normal person, he ripped around the zipper until the jeans (and, consequently, the underwear) were in two separate pieces that could slide down his legs separately, cuz YOLO right? #PyramidSwag #SilentSwag #JamesIsSoGonnaGiveMeHeadAtSomePoint.

Then, Pyramid Head took off his snazzy 100% authentic baby skin apron. James gasped- PH was HUGE! He was a good 27 inches long and about five inches thick. Suddenly, James found himself getting very self-conscious about his meager 14 inches by 3 inch ice cream cone. He moved his hands to cover himself but Pyramid Head caught his hands and bound them above his head with one pant leg, as if to say "No, James, you're beautiful just the way you are- And hey, look on the bright side, whenever you top someone, they only have to be a total whore for you to fit, whereas with me, I have to find super ultra colossal mega supreme whores (like you) unless I want the first thrust to be literal murder. So, hey, more choice of partners to you!" That, or something along the lines of "I'm a kinky bastard and it's more fun when you can't struggle." James didn't really care either way.

The first unexpected surprise buttsexy thrust almost tore James to shreds, but the immediate intense prostate contact (cuz with 27 inches, it's kind of hard to miss) washed away the feeling of being murder-killed through his anus, kind of. They went at it for about six hours with not bathroom breaks when suddenly James found himself cumming, gallons of man-milk pouring out of his schlawng as he suddenly felt PH do the same, only it was inside him instead of all over the floor. After several moments where their ragged breathing was the only thing fighting off silence, PH finally pulled his man banana out of James' secret place. James, for his part, frowned, partially at the feeling of being empty but mostly at the feeling of the goopy mixture of man juice and anal blood flowing with a worrying steadiness out of his now very raw hidey hole. After silently gloating to himself as he stared at the thoroughly ravished and exhausted blonde, PH untied the man's hands and then put his stylish baby skin apron back on. James watched the man go, too exhausted to move as he called to his retreating back.

"We should do this again some time when my anus heals." PH didn't respond verbally, merely turned around and gave a thumbs up before retreating.

James was left alone with his thoughts- first of all, since his clothes were definitely ripped to shit, how was he going to get out of the hospital without Maria and Laura seeing his vanilla lollipop? Maria would, no doubt, try to suck it… But hey, that might not be so bad, especially if Laura was watching…

Okay, yeah, so maybe James _did _belong in Silent Hill, just a little… Especially since he only had one regret from his happy times buttsmex with Pyramid head, and it had little to nothing to do with the very possibly anal hemorrhage that he was most likely experiencing.

He never got Pyramid Head to use his tongue.

**#PyramidSwag #SilentSwag #JamesIsSoGonnaGiveMeHeadAtSomePoint**

Truth is, I actually ship it, I just have fun scarring people for life as well.

Well, my lovelies, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, cuz I had a blast. Feedback is, as always, appreciated but never required, and I will hopefully see you in the next update!

So long for now, my lovelies!


End file.
